The Tale of Mama's Boy

Hans Christian Andersen wrote the story of the Princess and the Pea about a prince searching for a true princess with whom to share his life. One appears on his doorstep on a stormy night asking for a bed. His mother, the Queen, decides to test her claim of royalty and makes her sleep on a bed of multiple mattresses and puts a pea under the bottom bed. The princess sleeps horribly and the next day the queen proclaims that only a true princess could have felt the pea through so many mattresses. The prince and princess marry and live happily ever after.Why would a man decide to take a woman he doesn't know as his wife on his mother's say-so? Moreover, why would his mother tell him to take her after one bad night of sleeping on a pea? I keep turning it around in my head and the only conclusion I can draw is that the prince was a Mama's Boy. This strange and unknowable male is the one of modern love tragedies. But what if the idea wasn't as modern as we suppose? Maybe Hans was on to something with his story. Here's my take: The Tale of Mama's BoyI'm sure you've met him once or twiceHelped him, loved him and paid the priceBut no matter what you doMama's Boy cannot love you. "It's not my fault," he'll often say,"But Mama does it another way."Nothing you do will ever compareTo Mama's tender loving care. His patron saint if you chance to lookCan be found in the pages of a book.In a time long ago and far awayOnce upon a time under skies of gray. A prince returned from a restless questTo find the princess he liked the best.One too thin, one too fatOne too loud, one to quiet. One was short with hair of gold.One was tall with thoughts too bold.One whose laughs were quite improper.One whose shape was like a stopper. Search he did and found he noneTo compare with his perfect one.He would say with little dramaNone are like the queen, my mama So he returned much dejectedAnd pushed away all he rejectedBack to mama who spoils and coddlesHer precious prince, her darling idol. Yet their homecoming came to a haltPausing the balm to so much salt.A rap at the door on a night so drearyStood a lass, soaked through and quite weary. "I'm a princess," she said, "let me in for I'm coldAnd a royal family lives here I'm told.I apologize for looking a frightBut perhaps I could stay for just a night?" "A princess? That's doubtful," said Mama Queen"But I have a test that will make her come clean!Of course dear, please stay and we'll find a bedA place to lay down your most delicate head." Mattresses were stacked one on the other' Til there were twenty altogether.Coverlets topped the fluffy towerAll constructed in about an hour. "And underneath a test," Mama giggled.With her hand she pushed and wriggledA pea the size of a pinky nail."A test she will most surely fail." Climb she did to the top of the bedTo rest her wet and weary head.She tossed, she turned, she curled up and stretched outBut all she could do was sit up and pout Meanwhile, Mama dear and sonhad a little one-on-one."My darling boy, never fearFor Mama knows and I am here. The test she takes, I've taken tooand will tell us if she's a princess trueHer face is fair, her shape is pleasingher manners are fine when she's not sneezing I only want the best for youit's what any mother would do."Junior crowed, "You're more than any other motherlike you there will never be another." The morning dawned, the skies were clearInto the room Queen Mama peeredAlas she found the lass a messHer hair! Her clothes! She looked quite stressed. "I hate to be a world-class bitchbut I would have slept better in a ditchI did not sleep at all last nightSomething stuck me like a stalagmite!" The queen was pleased, the prince elatedto see the princess so deflated."I found my wife, my mother's matchand of course dear Mama made the catch." They soon were wed, but princess foundthe ring did not mean that she was crownedin his affections. Despite their joyPrincey would always be Mama's Boy. So even is you're hand pickeddon't be fooled, don't be tricked,Because no matter what you doMama's Boy cannot love you.